Laissez-Faire?

All things must eventually come to an end. Sometimes its in the person's control, and sometimes its out of the individuals hand. As I enter my 11th month in Bwindi and the hardships and challenges continue to mount. Sure, I've certainly made some enemies during my time in Bwindi, some more imaginery than others, but as I close in the annual aniversary, I being to think what else I can do with my life. All my life people have always told me I am smart, determined, and with great potential to do whatever I want in my life. Basically people say I can achieve great things. And yet, I have never really see that in myself. Call a lack of self-confidence or lack of guidance, but as much as I am preceived to be someone to others around me, which I don't see in myself.

I guess I am afraid to take on more responsibility, afraid of how if I was given more power and authority can change me, afraid of failure, and perhaps with an aged old philosophy of isolation and non interference. Yes, before my 20th birthday, I pretty much lived a careful life, no major risk, no social life, no wordly view, and adopted an ideaology of disengagment from much of my surroundings. I had a hard time forming my own opinions or making my own decisions. I was a prisoner in my own mind.

But after the 20th, I decided to venture out..to become the opposite of what I was. I reasoned that to stand idly by and do nothing when good can be done, when difference can be made, was being guilty of complacency. I guess I had come tothe realization that there is more to life. Perhaps it was the realization "that life is worth living" as one Lisa Simpson once said.

Nevertheless, in the past weeks, I have become more diluted and being to question my role in the greater scheme of things. Nevermind work, I never really felt that had much impact here in Bwindi anyways, and for me it would be stupid to think otherwise. I neither possess the impartiality nor audacity to evaluate my own work or life. For that I leave to others. But then this contradicts my "I don't give a &*^(*^ to what others think attitude." I guess I can't have it both ways. To interfere with the lives of others is to care for them. The opposite of love isn't hatred....as I once read, the opposite of love is indifference.